The first time felt like pulling together over something so important, purposeful, and righteous. A war effort for our generation. We moved past hoarding and blame to stoicism. Stepping out cautiously, only to be shut up again before we’d even adjusted to the light. The second time is even starker.
There’s a thinly masked anxiety and anger now that’s more palpable and of course, visible. Last night I felt myself judging and pushing back against nothing, even in the safety of the walls. Air, hands, friends, words, all the good things brought under suspicion. It makes no sense. Sorry. Cranky. Confused. Trying too hard. Banter. Kindness.
Swirling questions, too intense for their own good. Can compassion and bants co-exist? Can you be the same person with everyone? Is everything a ‘teaching moment’? Must I keep myself under this pressure to do this right? What even is this?
It wears you out.
Talk to device people, we’re lucky now. Try to support those who are alone or doing less well. On the screen. Work in the walls, live in the walls, stay in the walls although they don’t protect you from the air. It’s not air, it’s people. Oh, good then.
Hear of the suffering of the vulnerable and the stronger too, read about those who don’t care if others die. Realize that some people. Don’t. Care. Rage at them. Then soften. Wonder what happened to their brain. Too few teaching moments? Too much hurt?
Too many psychotic theorists given air that will only rip more strips off them, as they present for lashings of abuse in the virtual town square. Flushed with excitement, bare-faced they come swinging for their fifteen minutes in the plastic pots aisle, only to retreat bleeding for their right to cause nuisance.
Meanwhile in lock-down, menopause takes hold of this body. Interesting. Timing. You can run but you can’t hide from time it would appear.
Making up projects that matter only to you. Obsessing over some small thing, now large. Ornaments. Wall art. Food. Exercise. Wondering how to connect and what to say when real connecting is not on the cards and there is nothing new to say. Hot. Flush. Cold. Weather.
Remember the good.
Put one foot after the other with all that is simple and real.
Touch the dirt and feel some sun.
Be. Listen. Think less. Judge less. Especially yourself.
Notice the obsessing and holding and just breathe. No need to lock-down inside yourself and make everything as stuck on the inside as it is in the world.
Soften into the connections and closeness that can be. Expect less. So much less. Of yourself. Of everyone and everything. Consciously take every precaution and lower every expectation so you can breathe. So everyone has a chance to breathe. To keep breathing.
Drop judgment, it’s heavy.
Acknowledge fear. Now drop it too.
Lock-down, but let go inside the walls. Be consciously gentle inside your being and let that guide you. Except when that doesn’t work.
Then just breathe.
Breathe and be calmed as you do what you can, and let go of what you cannot change. For now.