There’s a popular misconception that longer relationships equate with boring sex but research evidence actually suggests otherwise. Couples who have been together longer, on average, report enjoying better, more satisfying sex than newer couples, probably because of how confident and relaxed they can be in enjoying themselves together. For some couples, however, eroticism is eroded over time and all relationships certainly have peaks and troughs of erotic connection.
Here’s what my years as a Couple Therapist have shown me are the common elements across couples who report having more great sex than average.
1. Knowing how to turn yourself on and being unafraid to do so
Staying in touch with your erotic self and knowing what makes you feel alive means you can directly ask for what you like from your partner. When you share yourself as an inspired, passionate, alive person you give to your partner, rather than relying on them to make you feel good. When both partners feel alive and passionate individually, intense pleasure is more possible together. What’s required to reveal yourself and your desires fully, is feeling you will be respected and accepted by your partner when you let them see you.
2. Creativity and playfulness
Novelty, surprise and adaptability keep love exciting. Can you shift roles emotionally in the bedroom and give each other different qualities of experience? Flexibility of attitude is a hallmark of couples who have great sex. For example can you share power, assertiveness and decision making rather than one of you always taking charge? Explore being a little subversive together in harmless ways, youthful and joyful about just being alive and being together. Being full of life and fun are massive turn-ons.
3. Openness and connection
Compassion, trust and emotional connection lead to better sex between couples who are also erotically attracted; Criticism, grumpiness, anxiety and withdrawal kill attraction. Successful couples tend to face their challenges together which builds their intimacy and fires their loyalty and passion for one another.
4. Healthy mystique
Transparency is really important and valuable in relationships but it’s also vital to keep your own sense of integrity in the relationship and maintain enough space between you to see each other as the separate attractive individuals you were when you first met. The perspective that you are still actively choosing each other everyday, every time you have an erotic encounter, helps keep passion alive and fresh.
5. Touch ups
Most couples who have better than average and more frequent sex report that they touch – a lot. They engage in everyday simple and sometimes sexy touch and find a way to acknowledge each other as sexual beings frequently in words and/or touch every single day. Let the foreplay start again after every orgasm is the advice from Therapist Esther Perel, and its pretty fantastic advice.
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