I’ve seen many couples who’ve lost the aliveness and connection in their relationship and haven’t wanted to admit it to themselves because it was too painful or too difficult. Usually their sense of passionate engagement diminished gradually over a long time. There were so many times they could have done something about it but they didn’t. It felt too hard – but only because they didn’t realise how much harder it was going to get if they did nothing…
Too many couples are only motivated to do something about getting their relationship back on track when something traumatic happens, so they go into crisis mode and are shaken from numbness or silent shut-down into re-engagement. Sometimes it’s too late for them to reconnect to attraction and the deep love they once felt. Years of caring less, or burying hearts’ desires can lead to a place from which there is no return. The tragedy is that most people who end up at that place deeply regret having let things go so far before trying to connect with their partner again. Frequently, one partner tried hard to do something earlier but could not get the other to admit there was a growing problem.
It typically goes something like:
Partner 1’s dissatisfaction and pleas for intimacy rise over time; they approach partner 2 asking to talk, to go to counselling or relationship education, to have more sex, or to feel more loved. However, Partner 2 isn’t keen, doesn’t acknowledge there’s a problem or just doesn’t prioritise the effort. Eventually Partner 1’s sadness and frustration turns to resentment and grief, their desire drops away, their requests are replaced by silence. This can happen over many months or years.
Suddenly Partner 2 realises that Partner 1 no longer ‘nags’, no longer cares enough to try, and Partner 2 panics! Partner 2 realises it may be too late. As they scramble and panic, perhaps finally agreeing to therapy or a couple course, Partner 1 may already be on the way out the door! Partner 1 raises an eyebrow at Partner 2’s panic, feeling very little anymore…
Sadly, this is the point at which we see so many couples enter therapy.
They come to find a way to end it.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
The lesson is that if you start to lose vitality in your couple relationship, if you feel resentment and disconnection growing, that’s the time to take real action together to find passion and greater engagement with life and each other again.
The School of Love is an online psychologist-built and delivered e-course for creating, or re-creating your relationship from the ground up. It includes detoxing your relationship of destructive habits, rebuilding communication and intimacy and planning a passion-fuelled life that each of you love. The eCourse weaves mindfulness training (to help you manage anxiety, stress and ‘life’ more effectively) with practical relationship skills and inspiration.
Subscribe now to be among the first to hear about the Early Bird rate for the eCourse which launches in October. When you subscribe for email updates you’ll immediately receive a copy of our ebook direct to your inbox to get your learning started.
See you there.