Eroticism is like a place you go to, immerse yourself in, that exists first in your imagination. The greatest thing about imagination is it has no limits and your erotic places can be anywhere in time and space, infinite and inexhaustible. Different scenarios and locations can be inspiring but when you’re wanting to fire up eroticism in a long-term relationship that has a history and the promise of a long future together, some time travel can also be hot.
Revisit your history.
A quick hack for getting back in touch with desire and seduction in your relationship is to imagine how you would behave with your partner if tonight were a first date. I don’t mean where you’d go for dinner; I mean aligning yourself with the attitude you would bring if you were completely new to each other. Presumably you’d want to impress. You’d bring curiosity, anticipation about what they had to say, what’s in their mind, heart and under their clothes.
Ask yourself: How would I feel and how would I be thinking about my partner if tonight were our first date again? What are the strengths and assets I most want to radiate? How do I show up at my best?
Think about your early sex together. Are there things you used to enjoy that have slipped away for no reason? Remind your partner and maybe bring some of it back for a repeat season.
Focus on the present moment.
When you’re together, be in the moment. Be fully present, because love is quality presence and attention by its nature. Likewise, sex is hotter, more sensuous and rich when you’re totally in your senses and giving full mind-body attention to what you’re doing, not to distractions.
Take a ride into your potential future.
Don’t dream you’ve tried it all, been there and done that, even if you’ve been together for years.
Do you think you know everything about your partner? Be careful with that assumption. As a therapist I sometimes hear about whole erotic worlds people carry inside them that their partner knows nothing about – sometimes to the serious detriment of their relationship.
We’re all constantly evolving, regularly being exposed to new stimuli and getting turned on by something new. Novelty feeds eroticism. You’ve got to keep up! Don’t switch off and miss out on your beloved’s inner journey or you risk losing touch with each other’s hearts and other parts in the future. Stay fresh together.
Ask each other – What have you thought about lately that turns you on? What’s new in your erotic imagination?
What have you always wanted to do that we may not have done together?
How do you most want to feel in our future together and how can we get there?
Love is the essential energy and quality of presence in the ordinary moments of life – past, present and future that makes those moments extraordinary. Those extraordinary moments add up to the sum of our lives. There’s no time to waste.